Simon - the world's first spermicidal maniac

What made my parents horny?

2006-04-14T23:17:00.000Z

Here's the idea of the game - work out your date of conception, go onto wikipedia and see what was happening in the news at that point. This naturally was obviously the catalyst needed to spice up the marriage of my parents.

So: my date of birth - 13th June 1989
date of conception: about 13th September 1988

September 12 - Hurricane Gilbert devastated Jamaica, it turns towards Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula two days later causing an estimated $5 billion in damage.

I'm incredibly worried about my parents now... there might be a reason they called their childeren Simon & Mark

My mum's date of birth: 12th March 1952
date of conception: 12th June 1951

June 15 - July 1- In New Mexico, Arizona, California, Oregon, Washington, and British Columbia, thousands of acres (several km²) of forests were destroyed in fires.

I'm thinking this runs in the family. Give my Grandma a go...

date of birth: 24th September 1925
date of conception: 24th December 1924

December 24 - Air crash in Croydon air field - 8 dead.
December 24 - Albania becomes a republic.

I'm praying that my great grandparents just really liked Albania...

Arsenic and old people

2006-04-06T23:19:00.000Z

How much I wish those two could be combined together... since today I have never been such a supporter of a Logan's run-esque society, but this really tops it. My day has been crappy and it's all to do with old people.

As a prologue, I need to say what I was doing early this morning (ie 12.00 am). I decided this would be the perfect time to start writing a program for a chip we need to use for a circuit I'm designing with Henry, Jammes and Cato (rhymes with potato - sorry, the NORMAL way of saying potato (see here for clarification)) at school. So off I chug happily, writing my little multiplexing program, and I'm able to go at top efficiency by missing out pointless things like comments and the like....

Big mistake. As any programmer with a shred of intelligence between their ears knows, comments help the programmer understand his/its own program. Having written a good 150-line code by 12.45, I start to feel a little sleepy. At which point, it occurs to me in a moment of intense horror that I will have no clue in the morning where the hell I am, and that I actually need to finish the program before I go to sleep. A good hour and a bit later, I make the last debug (the filename is too long), and crash into my bed.

For 6 hours till my granddad rings and wakes me up at a healthy 8.00, asking me to Sunday lunch (incapable of doing anyway due to a certain orchestra), and therefore denying me my much needed sleep.

Despite this, I still don't get out of my dressing gown till 2.00 pm, at which point I had to go have a haircut. As soon as I saw the person who was going to cut my hair was an old person, I should have done the sensible thing, turned tail and ran. However no, I foolishly sat down, and I swear my hair hasn't looked this bad since May last year. Eugh.

Then we had to see my other grandparents (you see now where this gerontophobia is coming from) to spend the evening with them. Before we got there, I suggested playing Grandma bingo with my brother - involving us both predetermining 2 phrases, and crossing them off when she says one. Mine were 'Did you have a haircut?' and 'have you heard from your mother?', while his were 'What would you like?' and 'You look lovely'. He beat me 2-1 (the haircut one didn't happen), showing what a blind fool my grandmother is. And my grandpa forced me to play one of his 'cats' songs (skimbleshanks - his arrangements btw are SO much better than Lloyd-Webber) over and over again till I got it right... old people annoy me so much. Oh and I made the mistake of telling him that Louise was learning the flute part to one of his pieces, and now he expects a performance. Sorry.

Anyway what I want to know is do old people keep the same personality, while society changes, or do old people change their personality? Because I don't want to believe that in the 1920s everyone went round having afternoon tea, commenting on people's height, and rhyming scone with bone. Equally though, I hate to think that one day I'll be the toothless old man laughing when my grandchild so much as moves and patting them on the ass. Thoughts on this?

Life is skittles and life is beer

2006-04-03T17:50:00.000Z

For most of the readers of this (everyone I think except Louise, maybe Steph and possibly Henry) the significance of above is that SPRING IS FINALLY HERE. And likewise, having hibernated for the past few months, this blog is now ready to spring back (pun not intended) into existence.

Back by popular demand (ie a large number of sophies yelling at me), the new reform blog will aim to include such miscellanea previously unmentioned in the old 'orthodox' blog including:

Porn
Bestiality
Necrophiliac porn
S&M
Beastiality S&M
Necrophiliac beastiality
Flower arrangements
Recepie suggestions
Hardcore man-on-man-on-woman-on-frog nudity

I was going to include necrophiliac beastiality S&M but frankly I think that's just flogging a dead horse...

Oh and apparently I get better at Soul Calibur when the penalty is for winning, and worse at it when the penalty is for losing (gragh I can still taste the discount whiskey/stag piss). Maybe I need to revise my stratagem. Oh and can someone please tell me who went in Mark's bed on Saturday and didn't make it afterwards? Because my mum thinks it was Louise and me, which is just gross and wrong and does not bear thinking about (That is being in Mark's bed, not me).

Anyway I shall continue updating this thing from now, since most of you (read:us) seem to have nothing better to do over the hols other than read this. Or any of the links down the side. Or milk cartons. Your choice really, I hear the nutritional information on Tesco semi-skimmed makes great bedtime reading.

Wow...

2006-03-10T22:05:00.000Z

Okay it's been just a little while since I last posted... 2 weeks and 6 days to be precise. The reason I didn't write anything was ~~I had to go on an important business trip to Russia~~ ~~I was called up to be a jury in a very long trial~~ ~~I had to save the world from an ancient civilisation with unfathomable power~~ I was too busy being sociable with all my trusted and dear friends who read this blog, I love you all (unless you're male in which case I respect you all). Except Carl. You have no respect.

In Soviet Russia, blog read you!

Anyway, I'm sitting here staring at a bottle of water for amusement, making up stories about its life. I need entertainment. So for imagination's sake, I'm going to imagine what I'd be doing if I didn't have Saturday school. The thing that keeps me from having a weekly sitcom, I reckon is Saturday school. For if I were able to hilariously create and solve problems within half an hour timeframes, I reckon I could make a booming industry. So here goes:

Episode one:

The evil Mar K'nat Han broods in his dark tower. Suddenly he is hit by a flash of inspiration. All he needs is the blood of a particular suitably insignificant but nevertheless ravishingly beautiful woman to complete this horribly complex machine he has built with relative ease to take over the entirety of Epsom Common. However, the only person who knows about this plan is the legendary dashing Samos Nathros. Armed with only his brainpower, his off the cuff unnecesary witticisms and a devilish smile capable of reducing men and women alike to swooning heaps, he battles through the dungeon of 38 Rorgeway with his amusing sidekick played by Jack Nicholson, to stop Mar once and for all. (Until next week, where Mar somehow manages to create a second doomsday device)

Okay I knew there was a reason I didn't go into writing a television series...

In Soviet Russia, script write you!

Okay, goodnight, off to tidy my room!

All work and no play makes simon par-tay

2006-02-18T23:21:00.000Z

My to-do list this morning:

Do maths homework
Apply for a summer course at a university
Work out logistics for NYO in the easter
Email an apologetic email to my head of community service
Email a checking up email to the conductor of LSSO
Write an essay for my diploma
Renew some library books
Decide what colleges I'm interested in
Walk the dog
Do viola practise

All managed to get done (save the essay, but that's not important) - and all got rewarded with a nice get-together at Sofi's afterwards. On the sensible side - no stripping and very little booze. On the less sensible side - hide and seek in the dark, whereupon my friend Alice and I decided in infinite immaturity to build a fort from Sofi's sofa (pun not intended). This was brilliant, and very nice and warm until we realised that the point of the game was to hide, and builing a massive construction probably wasn't the best way to do it. Hence we jumped out to find a better place and lo and behold, Sophie was standing there looking incredibly skeptical. So what do we do now we've been found? Rebuild the fort of course, but better and more aesthetic (Photos on my phone)!

Oh and the conversation that really made my day:
Me: You lightweight, you've had less than a 1/3 of a bottle, and you're already in hysterics!
Sophie: I'm not drunk. I'm happy. You wouldn't know, having never seen me like that.

2006-02-16T00:26:00.000Z

If you are a video games nerd, go here and laugh your socks off.

In other news, I hate violins. Officially.

And unless anyone wants to add anything to my life, that's all I have to offer. I'm off to amuse myself by seeing how long I can stare at a wall without cracking up. Please excuse me.

The day of love

2006-02-14T22:27:00.000Z

OK, so it was named after a bishop of Terni, but everyone else does it, so why not me? Having been told I was getting dragged to Salisbury and back to accompany a singing lesson, then subsequently told I wasn't needed, I point blank refused to go when my mum told me this very morning I was in fact needed. Seeing Louise was much more fun anyway - I introduced her to Airplane (this makes 2 so far), and played (and lost at) lots of Soul Calibur (maybe I should just leave Carl's challenge for now)...

This year:
Number of valentines sent: 4
Number of valentines received: 1 1/2 (Sofi sent a half hearted reply)

Last year:
Number of valentines sent: 2
Number of valentines recieved: 0

I'm improving :-D

chuckles

2006-02-11T00:35:00.000Z

check out this joke - it's damn good!

HALF TERM! *explodes with delight*

[weblog entry terminated prematurely due to disembodiment of author]

Simon away

2006-02-06T16:28:00.000Z

Simon doing play. Simon not in contact till Friday.
Goodbye

Please kill me now

2006-02-05T18:31:00.000Z

How am I exhausted? Let me count the ways...

1) First and foremost, I managed to get no more than four hours sleep on Saturday night. This seemed like a good idea at the time, but, as always, wasn't. This is a result of a sleepover birthday party, where just as everyone had decided to go to bed (2 am), some guy thought it would be clever to put on Saw II. I can't find an explanation as to why I actually watched this rather than sleeping on the floor, but I think it had something to do with a fascination of plot-sparse incredibly unrealistic films comprising mainly of people breathing and bleeding heavily for 88 minutes. I don't know why I bother, I could go to an A&E ward for the same effect (however of course Mitcham will probably suffice).

2) I have just come out of a 12 hour play rehearsal. Total concentration required for the entirety of that time, and no sleeping or anything humane like that.

3) I don't think I've sat down on anything softer than wood for at least 10 hours. My arse hurts. Lots.

So anyway, grant me the gift of mercy before I sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Insane

2006-02-03T22:23:00.000Z

You scored as Borderline Personality Disorder. Congratulations! You have BPD! You know how to see things in black and white, desperately cling to unstable relationships and are a master of wrist-banging... rational emotions? Who needs 'em!

Borderline Personality Disorder

75%

Antisocial Personality Disorder

58%

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

33%

Unipolar Depression

Schizophrenia

Eating Disorders

Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com

Just like Sofi :-D

A day in the life...

2006-02-01T21:01:00.000Z

Having been rendered inspirationally incapacitated for the last few...years, I turned to other sources for ideas. Louise pointed out that I must have done something interesting in my day, so I have resorted to working back through the last 24 hours to see what I've done.

Tuesday 9pm Talking to Sophie on MSN. Vaguely contemplating doing Stats homework. Drumming with my left hand on the table next to me and waving a baton with my right.

10pm Talking to Sophie on MSN. Feeling more of an urge to do stats homework. Position in chair has remained unchanged, though the baton has been dropped in favour of a nice noisy second drumstick.

11pm Talking to Sophie on MSN. Am now feeling anguished about the fact I haven't done my stats, but am too lazy to do anything about it. Drumsticks have been dropped from exhaustion. Position in chair remains still unchanged. I go to bed at 11.15 and still haven't done any stats.

Wednesday 12am Am now fast asleep.

1am Still asleep

2am Yes, still sleeping

3am This is about the time when all you people who don't board at school get up. I am however still asleep.

4am *bored*

5am I may have turned over in my sleep at this point.

6am Sleeping until the alarm I set for 6.30 so that I could get my stats done goes off. I switch off the alarm and go back to sleep.

7am Wake up of my own accord. Mentally scream 'shit', and go have a shower. I get one question of stats done before I go and...

8am Have breakfast. Run back to my room and scribble down the answer to another two questions, not aided by the fact that the parasites that occupy my room during the day have now started filtering in.

9am Assembly. I look down in horror at the 3 remaining questions to do, as I walk outside feeling incredibly worried (Stats is first lesson). But God is good today, since as soon as I walk out, a girl in my set runs up to me and asks me to say I haven't done the prep cause nobody else has. I "reluctantly" agree, and go to assembly feeling a little better. What destroys that is when our lesson starts, it turns out the prep was due in for Friday. *Insert fuming here*

10am Stats. He's saying something about sampling graphs and losing data. I put my head down for a little while, and then suddenly realise Takaki's written two pages of notes, where I've written diddly squat.

11am Nearly the end of stats (double lesson). At this point the teacher is talking about making graphs look pretty. I still can't work out why. When we finish, I run back to my room and bury my head under the pillow for the blissful 20 minutes of breaktime I have. Then Physics. He teaches us about binary (3rd time I've had this lesson - once in Electronics and once in maths).

12pm FREE PERIOD! I do music practice :-(

1pm Choir. This involves me being late for some unknown online comic related reason, and also having to leave early, since I do a string trio which overlaps with choir. Problem here: I forgot to bring my viola to the music block (in case you haven't worked out alredy, I'm incredibly tired today). Run back and get the viola, and play for a while...

2pm Then remember that I usually bring books and paper to the music block on account of me having my next lesson there. Run back and get equipment, but it turns out we don't need them cause the teacher's auditioning a bunch of potential music scholars/fresh blood suppliers. He sets us an exercise to do and email to him, which I manage to finish in 40 minutes. Problem here, the lesson's a double, and 85 minutes long. This involves me going down to the staff tea room and making myself a cup of tea while desperately trying to convince the music secretary that my teacher said I could and it was all right...

3pm Maths now. He talked about graphs. I asked to leave early for a drum lesson, and he said only if I asked it in limerick form:

Though this maths is undoubtably fun,
I unfortunately really must run,
So there's time enough
to get all my stuff
That I need so I can learn to play drums

I thought it was quite good :-D

4pm Drum lesson. Am now sight reading grade 5 after a term of playing *w00ts* I then got back to my room and found an email saying my composition was 'BRILLIANT!'. I am now musically happy.

5pm Watched Henry play Neverwinter Nights for a while. Got changed into home clothes then back into uniform cause I realised the only home clothes I had that weren't in the wash was a smart shirt...

6pm Continuing failure to do anything. I eat at some point as well before 7. Rice with tomato ketchup. And a pork thing that had cartilage in it.

7pm I GOT SOME WORK DONE! I finished physics, and half of my maths for tomorrow (I really should have learnt from last night...)

8pm Did more maths, and talked to Louise for a bit. Michelle came online just long enough to insult me and then left. I love my friends.

9pm Started writing this. Jesus it's taken me 40 minutes!

Now you can decide one whether I'm a worthwhile person to know based on my day. Anyway must go - desperate housewives!!!!!

Just a quick note

2006-01-30T22:00:00.000Z

My dad has been amazing and made a video to my piece! The recording quality isnt great, cause it was done with a video camera, but the music technician said it would be at least 2 weeks before he got a CD cause he wsa too busy. Oh by the way, he said this while his feet up were on the desk, eating crisps.... such are contractors....

anyway you can download it (id seriously recommend downloading rather than playing it from the website) here - it's the one called 'battle-animated-small'

Oh and if you want a laugh, look at another one of my compositions up there - its the one called 16strings... you get to see me in a) a suit and b) 2 years younger

Other fun ones to see are the porgy tree series, and the photo of mark (:-D). Also a hilarious one is the one called tantrum. I laughed so hard when I first saw that!

I can't be bothered to check if theres a photo of me up there, if there is please PLEASE do not look at it!

insert apology here

2006-01-29T22:33:00.000Z

OK, so maybe I haven't completely kept up to date with this thing, and seeing as I have nothing to say, I might as well repent in advance for how boring this post is going to be. Anyway before I say anything of mild interest, if anyone wants a recording of my piece, I should have one by Monday evening - just ask me and I'll send it to you.

Anyway, a brilliant joke I heard on Saturday, just to break the ice..

There was once a kingdom ruled by an autocratic king. Such power this king had that a rebellion went underway, headed by the noble Count Evereigh. However, it happened that the Count was captured and subjected to inquisition about the movement of the rebels. The Count was strong of will though and refused to talk. The inquisitors threatened to cut off his thumbs if he didn't talk, but he wouldn't give in. They therefore took off each of his thumbs, and in the same manner cut off all his fingers one by one. They then moved onto his toes, and still he refused to talk. They cut off his hands and feet, but he still wouldn't reveal any information. The king at this point was informed, and decided that the Count was a worthy man, and gave orders for him to be put out of his misery by execution. As he was placed on the block, the executioner raised his hatchet, and prepared to strike down. The Count then yelled 'Wait! I'll talk!', but it was too late, the executioner struck down with the hatchet and killed him.

The moral of the story?

Don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened!

Okay, I'm off to shoot myself as a result of that. See you in the afterlife!

EDIT: can someone also please tell me what a bigon is? I think I called someone it...maybe...

Bored in the exam room

2006-01-16T17:04:00.000Z

I took my first ever AS exam today. It was a 90 minute electronics paper. My first reaction was that the time was way too long for the 8 questions we had. So I made myself go really slowly, checking each answer as I went along. After doing the whole thing really slowly, making sure each question had been done completely right, I looked at my watch....and there was an hour left. Apparently the others were afflicted with the same problem. Hence I have now managed to compile a list of things to do while bored in an exam room:

1) Sleep (I got a seat next to the wall so I found this option very cosy. Unfortunately I was rudely woken up by another paper in the same room finishing.)

2) Learn a language (Our paper was from the WJEC board - a Welsh examining group [Yes, apparently they have education in Wales...] - Since the instructions were translated into Welsh, Jammes decided to see how many Welsh words he could pick up. He did surprisingly well - he can now say 'candidate' and 'calculator')

3) Combinatorics (Henry decided to use his time working out a formula to estimate how many dark splotches there were on the ceiling.... I was worried that there were too many to count normally...)

4) Sculpture (My idea again - I started building objects like spaceships and boats out of items in my pencilcase. The last time I did this was in year 6 latin, where as a punishment I was told to write out the declensions of hic and ille 5 times each... they still didn't stick though...)

5) Be stupid (Julian - our resident plank of wood - managed to continue working till the end of the one and a half hours. And there I was thinking only Welsh people were so stupid as to need that long...)

Ooooh, by the way I learnt how to waltz on Friday! Michelle has already booked me for a session, and I seem to remember me failing to be able to do that with Sophie around late Fabuary... so I can make up for it now! Unfortunatley the partner I got to practice with was about my height (yes, girls do come that size!) so maybe it won't work as well...

And I would wish Louise happy birthday but I'm brimming with jealousy at the fact she got to spend the whole of today in bed.... *insert angry face here*

Till later!

Whattttt?

2006-01-11T20:48:00.000Z

I actually spluttered when I got this...

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.

atheism

71%

Satanism

71%

Paganism

58%

agnosticism

58%

Islam

33%

Buddhism

33%

Christianity

33%

Judaism

29%

Hinduism

17%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Well there you go! Anyone got a chicken to slaughter?

The interview

2006-01-09T10:39:00.000Z

1. Leave a comment saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I'll reply and give you five questions to answer.
3. You'll update your blog with the questions answered. (For those poor souls without blogs, you may answer in a comment on this post)
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You ask other people questions when they want to be interviewed. And it just keeps going, and going, and going....

(Questions courtesy of Sophie)
1)If your appearance had to completely change, who would you like to look like?

Firstly I would like to express my displeasure at being asked 'who' rather than 'what,' but assuming it had to be a person, I would say somebody very rich and famous - say - José Mourinho. The reason being it would be very easy to take his place and wealth, or for the easier option, claim to be his long lost twin. The only problem would be that I'd be a 16 year old boy inside the body of a 50-something year old man - means no girls for Simon. Ever. (I'm firmly of the opinion that old people don't have sex)

2) If you you had to repopulate the world with one person...who would it be?

Tristan! I want cute labrador puppy babies too! I want my world to be adorable! But adhering to the unfortunate rules of biology, I'd have to say Michelle - she's genetically practically perfect and has already promised me an army to conquer the world anyway (Don't mention the fact that there's nothing left to conquer)

3) Do you enjoy smoothies?

Since this question is OBVIOUSLY asked so that I can reveal what the hell a viola smoothie is, I abstain from the question.

4) What do you hear right now?

In order of loudness: My hands clicking on the keyboard. The computer fan. Somebody playing scales on a piano (badly). My housemaster patrolling the corridors checking that we're doing work and not posting on blogs. And the voices. God, the voices. They never stop!

5) Which would you prefer: Asphixiation or Burning to death?

I'd imagine Burning to death (with a capital B) would actually result in me dying from Asphixiation, unless I had an oxygen mask made of fire resistant material. So burning to death is literally combusting then or waiting till the heat dried you up - a process that could take over an hour. So for the sake of convenience I'm going to say Asphixiation. But just so I don't miss out, can I be cremated?

Interview over. Post comments here if you too want this fantastic experience.

Hurrah - an update!

2006-01-08T17:45:00.000Z

OK, don't panic everyone, you can breathe again and put down the sleeping pill bottle (or in Jammes's case the strepsil packet), I have finally managed to find the effort inside me to actually write on this thing. In terms of why I haven't been updating, it's nothing personal, just that I hate people.

The problem is that nearly every day's been exactly the same since boxing day. Get up at 7.45, have LSSO, back in time for supper (sometimes) - at least now that's over and I can go back to my relatively lax school. Of course there have been a couple of days where I get the joy of doing my schoolwork instead of the orchestra, but those are days off and don't count. So all in all, a fairly great Christmas hols...

In other exciting news, I went down to Dorking library on Saturday and rented out 4 symphonies, 4 concertos, the solo parts to each of the concertos for my darling brother and my piano teacher to play, and a vocal score of my favourite musical ever, Candide. So effectively I haven't left the piano since 12 pm in Saturday, other than to eat, sleep and watch Roger Rabbit with Nick (the film, not the rabbit...)

AND I'm apparently going to work at Shell for my gap year, it's emerged - unfortunately I'm not skilled enough to man the service stations or pump the petrol, but they'll let me do menial labour such as researching renewable energy alternatives! (This is another weird thing that makes me happy, accept it and continue on with your drab lives)

I ate the definition of tactless today - a bacon sandwich made with Challah (Jewish bread). Tasted nice and heathen though.

You scored as Disappear. Your death will be by disappearing, probably a camping trip gone wrong or an evening hike you never returned from. Always remeber that one guy who was hiking alone and got in a rock slide. He could have died, but he cut his own hand off to save himself. Don't end up like him (or worse, dead).

Disappear

80%

Suffocated

60%

Eaten

53%

Natural Causes

53%

Disease

47%

Accident

47%

Gunshot

40%

Posion

40%

Stabbed

33%

Drowning

33%

Bomb

33%

Suicide

20%

Cut Throat

13%

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

Happy Boxing day

2005-12-26T16:50:00.000Z

Some facts about boxing:

Boxing originated in the mid 14th Century in Romford as a way of keeping the Chavelier (early Chavs) population under control. The sport involved knocking them out and packaging them in boxes to tip them out to sea. The sport was brought into civilised society in 1756 when Duke Glove wanted an excuse to beat up poor people for amusement. The boxing glove was developed in honour of his name so that the world boxing societies could sell something to people training in the sport and make money. The glove of course is completely useless, being as hard as your hand itself.

The tradition of boxing day started when perople decided they weren't satisfied with their own Christmas presents, and decided to beat each other up to steal theirs instead. Another theory to the origin is that children staying with annoying relatives over Christmas felt that after a day of 'Haven't you grown' and 'How's school' that since it wasn't forgiveness time any more, they could vent their anger on them by way of boxing.

Professional boxers aren't actually mammal. They're a type of aggressive fish that can live on land. Unfortunately the speices is rapidly dying out due to senselessly beating each other up. If you want to help combat this rapid extinction, please visit the NSPPPB (National society for the protection, preservation and procreation of boxers) website to make a donation.

A boxer's eye is bigger than its brain.

If you shouted for 9 years, 3 months and 15 seconds, the sound energy produced would just be enough to attract a boxer's attention.

And the most useful fact to know is 'You look like an unwashed chimp' translates in boxer speak to 'That's a very nice shirt you're wearing.' Try it!

...And chappy Channukah

2005-12-25T19:31:00.000Z

Fun, merriment, daring and excitement....weren't quite on the agenda for today, but we had a good time nevertheless. Having surreptitiosly snuck into my cousins' only about 20 minutes late (we were being incredibly fashionable you see), we were immedietely thrown out by my grandmother berating us for being in the way, and had to seek refuge in my younger cousin Jonathan's room where I beat him at a weightlifting competition (this is a HUGE step for my physically challenged self - he plays rugby too! [badly, but that's not the point]), and had a game of magnetic darts, which never ended due to a REALLY odd rule produced by my brother... I eventually gave up and went to read Little Britain scripts (yes, I was THAT desperate).

After this, we went downstairs to eat Christmas lunch of which, despite me purposefully skipping breakfast in the morning, I found I could eat surprisingly little... thus unfortunately proving Sophie right for once - I still maintain that this was a one-off. We got crackers, and I got a wind up toy car that seemed to defy the conservation of energy principle, so naturally I spent the rest of the lunch dissecting it. This wasn't hard since I was effectively free from all distractions - some bitch (my elder cousin Rachel) cocked up the seating so that I was sitting next to no one I knew, but all who seemed to be very interested in the person sitting the other side of them. This changed when dessert came round and we all swapped chairs for some odd reason, and I was able to sit next to my brother and Jonathan where we spent a while discussing possible party games:

Game #1; Quantum trains: Two people run really fast at each other and attempt to make a quantum leap so that they pass through each other. If they fail, they try again until they succeed. Of course, seeing how the chances of doing so decreases exponentially with mass, but increases with velocity (Heisenburg), to compensate for the extra weight due to stuffing themselves with Christmas dinner, they must run much faster. Always fun to play while drunk by the way.

Game #2; Maxwell's demon: Sit in a room and wait until all the molecules in the room randomly move to one specific corner and you explode due to the pressure inside your body. You win when that happens.

Unfortunately for us, Rachel produced some games for us to play instead. One involved finding smarties and yelling out Moo or Baa if you do. I was on the Moo team and we won hands down because I had the idea, being the lateral child I am, of looking on the top floor while everyone else was faffing around on the bottom floor.

After all this we went and walked my dog who had accompanied us to the party, and picked up one of Rachel's friends down the road who seemed to have been endowed by the puberty bunny a trifle more than normal.... Aaaaanyway we got back from the dog walk, and just to be on the safe side threw aside the Christianity, put on kippahs and lit Channukah candles. Can't risk going to hell can we?

Anyway all in all a fairly uneventful Christmas, but at least its not coming round for another year.

Presents (the important bit!):

One packet of smarties
Two goats sent to starving families in Africa
Fourth season of Futurama
Eighth season of Simpsons
Sixteen* pounds WH Smith gift vouchers

*It was on a gift card and she didn't tell us the exact number, but sixteen looks cool in this context...

Merry Xmas...

2005-12-25T10:29:00.000Z

...And I will/may post before new year so I shan't be wishing anyone a happy new year quite yet. Update on Christmas to come this evening!

The problem with dictionaries

2005-12-20T23:33:00.000Z

I was with a friend recently who was telling me that apparently gullible was taken out of the dictionary. I was quite obviously shocked by this, so I naturally got home and did a quick google search to determine why. I got the definition of gullible from www.answers.com which defined gullible as ' Easily deceived or duped.' Obviously they hadn't heard that gullible had been removed from the dictionary, so I emailed the staff there to inform them of this fact, so they could take proper action and remove the offending word.

Obviously the Oxford English Dictionary is the source of what's right and true, so to make sure, I looked up 'gullible'. Sure enough it was there, described as 'Easily cheated or duped; credulous.' However this dictionary is several years old, so, needing to check I went to the nearest bookshop and brought the Oxford English Dictionary latest version, but for some reason, gullible was still in there, defined the same way.

Clearly this shocked me, so I prepared a letter to the Oxford University Press telling them the gullible had been taken out of the dictionary, and demanding they recall all copies of the current dictionary and replace them with more updated ones. They replied using the word gullible, so I instantly wrote back telling them to stop using words that weren't in the dictionary.

The Minister of Education was my next target. I needed to inform her that gullible was taken out of the dictionary, and she needed to tell teachers to ban the usage of the word from the classroom, and replace it with 'deferred perception'. She wrote back thanking me, and said she would move to get it passed in the House. In a stunning display of Labour mutiny, the proposition prevailed backed by the Opposition.

I was asked to deliver a speech at York University to warn the students not to use the word gullible. It was during my brief taste of fame that my friend who originally told me phoned me up and revealed that it was in fact a joke, and gullible hadn't in fact been removed from the dictionary.

So I shot him.

Moral of the story: Don't EVER take jokes.

Don't you just hate it when...

2005-12-17T23:54:00.000Z

Today was an incredibly annoying experience. I got a debit card recently (OK about a month ago but I STILL haven't got round to using it), and of course part of the deal is having to remember your PIN (or PIN number to piss off Sophie, Louise and Carl). I knew that I knew the digits but not the order, but that's okay, cause I wrote it down in a code on a slip of paper which I keep in the same compartment of my wallet as the card itself.

Unfortunately, GCSE physics and biology foils me once again. I reach to take out my card, and as I do, the miracle of electron interchanging known as static electricity sticks the bit of paper to the card. I notice it, but the muscles in my arm are already commited to sticking the card into the machine, and my reflex time isn't short enough to be able to stop the action. So in goes the card and the paper. I press cancel. Out comes the card.

right, AS statistics tells me that there are 4! (24) ways of guessing my PIN, and a 7/8 chance that I'll get the card confiscated (3 wrong guesses). After fiddling around with a handy swiss army card knife to get the paper out, which is at this moment trapped inside the rollers, and pissing off a huge amount of people behind me, I decide to guess twice at the PIN (wrongly). I got a very threatening message from the cashpoint telling me to go somewhere, and end up penniless. So much for debit cards. So much easier to go to the bank and sign for it.

And this is the code by the way that I wrote my pin as. For reasons dictated above obviously the numbers are going to be different but this is what i had on the paper:

poenas republica inter mea effugenea

16834509

per insulam nuper

If you can work that out - you'll love Ars Facto - go there!

God rest ye

2005-12-12T18:29:00.000Z

And now I prepare for my carol concert, featuring as it's star event, my carol! Woo... Anyway, due to that I have to run off now and sing.

Toodles

PS do not EVER try and eat quality street. See movies on my phone for details.

2005-12-11T21:21:00.000Z

The problem is...I haven't really done anything at all...

Nevertheless I feel an obligation to post saying this, as a certain anonymous person actually went to the trouble of asking me to post. And I quote

"Where would I be without violasmoothie.blogspot.com?"

How cute. Thank you Mrs Onymous. Or may I call you Anne?

So consequently I feel kind of obliged to post now. I shall tell you a story. A story of embarrasment and failure. Of crushed hopes and vanished dreams. I shall entitle it 'My day'

My Sunday started at 8.00 when I had to get up to go to my orchestra. For the pedants amongst you, I am aware my Sunday started at 12.00 but that's just STUPID and UNINFORMATIVE isn't it? Go and stick your heads in a bucket of shame. Yes, the same bucket!
Anyway the number of oil refinery-related-deaths avoided hit a record high today as I was able to get out of my bed unscathed at the aforementioned 8.00. Having eaten a fantastic 35p breakfast (stale baguette), I went and met all the lovely new people from the orchestra, including one very nice girl who remembered me as I was 3 years ago, when I was....shall we say...different. Ask Sofi for details.
Then the joys started as I picked up my viola, prepared to lead my oh-so-eager section, the conductor brought down the baton to start the opening movement and I confidently kicked off at exactly 1/3 of the speed he was beating. So much for me being able to estimate metronome marks.
The fun continued in a slow movement when I was poked in the back by a helpful girl in 3rd desk who muttered 'Simon - we were meant to come in a bar ago!'
All in all I managed to screw up every clef change, every time signature change, every line change....in fact basically every bar. I just seriously hope that the rest of my seciton did too.

Oh and (two of) the immortal phrases from Saturday - I went to a Jammes's house where he had a little sister of about 11 - the rest were equally funny but unfortunately in context:

Go upstairs or we'll tie you to your bed!
Thanks for coming to my house guys, otherwise I'd have had nothing to do except have my sister jump on me...

Dramatic music

2005-12-07T19:48:00.000Z

Tomorrow marks a momentous day in my life. I am going to have.....a haircut!
Everyone here knows by now that this is long overdue, and my hair looks like it's home to a new species of mammal. If I had been in Hiroshima, I could probably have cushioned the bomb with just my hair. I'm starting to walk with my head on my shoulder so that it doesn't get crushed by the weight of it.

Ways to know it's time to cut my hair:
I've been planning the haircut appointment for just about a month now.
I can't see all of myself in the mirror, due to the extra inch my hair has added to my height.
When I put a cycling helmet on, I can no longer see.
There is constantly an area of black at the top of my vision.
It takes more than 3 hours to dry.
I shake it and it doubles in size (Mark will testify).

So, entrusting my looks and social life to the barber at 'Hair,' I shall go and meet my destiny.

Had my orchestra piece played today :D - was so cool!

Vodafone revealed

2005-12-04T16:27:00.000Z

Prepare to be awed and shocked. For I shall now reveal to you the true symbolism behind Vodafone. I am scared I have stumbled upon a terrible secret, but the world must know.

Look at that picture. This is the official logo of Vodafone. What is it? Is it an invertad comma, symbolising speech? No - that's too obvious. It's a 6! Not only that, but observe the symbol is repeated twice in the word below. 666. Coincidence you might say? Never.

The symbol is red - the generally accepted colour of Lucifer, Dante and all that lot.
Vodafone is the only phone company which doesn't have a fun slogan/isn't the name of something pure/isn't T mobile (which is fluffy and pink and therefore not occult). Hence vodafone is satanist.
If you play someone saying 'vodafone' backwards you get 'beelzebub is our lord.' And if you play THAT backwards you get lead zeppelin.
Note that if you rearrange the letters of vodafone, you nearly get 'I torture and maim labrador puppies'
Also their customer service is crap

Spread the word! Also, scroll down if you want to see santa's willy.

*

*

*

Don't be stupid! There is no santa!

Candid

2005-12-04T00:28:00.000Z

Life is happiness indeed;
I have everything I need.
I am rich and unattached
Any my beauty is unmatched.

With the rose my only rival,
A admit to some frustration;
What a pity its survival
Is of limited duration.

I love Candide! It's the most brilliant musical ever written, the music is superb and the words and story are just excellent. And for the record, IT BEATS PHANTOM.

And just my own little quiz to determine how likely you are to survive the nuclear holocaust - complete the following quotation:
"The boy stood on the burning deck...
a) ...whence all but he had fled"
b) ...remembering not to play with cards and lighters"
c) ...remembering not to play with superglue"
d) ...playing with himself"
e) ..., fool"

If you answered:
a) You will try to save the world from nuclear death and get blown up in the process.
b) You will launch some of the bombs, and get blown up in the process.
c) You will be unaware of the impending armegeddon, go to Tescos, have a chat about the weather with the equally ignorant store clerk, and get blown up in the process.
d) Do you REALLY think you're going to survive by doing that???
e) Well done. You passed the first test and ran away from the bombs. Into another bomb. Game over, you die.

Nice and cheery everyone :D

Sorry...

2005-12-01T19:35:00.000Z

A list of reasons why I haven't posted since Monday. Vote for your favourite!

1) Busyness. Music is actually taking over my life. On Tuesday, after a physics lecture day (which technically wasn't music but...hey look over there! Oh you missed it, anyway forgotten where i was), after this lecture day I spent the whole of the evening 'perfecting' my carol which was not fun. On Wednesday I had a concert with my orchestra which was also equally boring, before realising that I had to complete an orchestra piece by thursday. Writing orchestral works, by the way, is not fun. It takes about an hour per minute of music. My thing lasts 4 minutes. No sleep last night. Much pain for Simon.

2) Sloth. Unfortunately I don't mean the fuzzy things that live in the jungle, although I think they would be a very respectable reason not to post, seeing how cute they are. But if you think I just couldn't be bothered to post, vote for me!

3) Drabness. Simply the fact that I can't think of anything to....

4)Nastiness. I have turned over a new leaf and decided that I mortally hate all 7 of the people who read this blog. Vote for me if you're depressingly paranoid.

5) Look - I thought it was sugar when I sold it to the kids, alright? How dare they lock me away...

6) Armagedon happened localised entirely within my room at school. I've been camping outside waiting for it to stop so I can come in and post.

7) My update's in the mail. It must have got lost.

8) I was actually travelling at 99% of the speed of light for the last 2 days. For me, this is Tuesday.

And if you believe any of those, you'll believe anything :D

Officially 1337

2005-11-28T11:28:00.000Z

It's now officially the R0XX0REST time of the week - the double free period! (And before some people decide this means I have 8 times the normal amount of periods, let me just say:

Thank you.

By the way, because you're obviously so interested to know:

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, tight as fuck, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child!
What are you?

Contemplative

2005-11-27T15:53:00.000Z

First thing to say is sorry for not posting for so long. In fact if you were lucky enough to be on my blog between 1 and 4 on saturday afternoon, and not at Nick's, you would've seen I wrote some poor excuse for a poem, but took it down cause it a) sucked, b) didn't really fit in with the rest of the tone of this blog, being depressing and angry and all, and c) sucked. For all those confused people, take it that if you don't know why I'm feeling down, I don't want you to know! :D Feel special.

I spent my Saturday doing 9 - yes 9 hours of mechanics prep all about inextensible elastic strings drawn over smooth pulleys attatched to masses of mass M where the coefficient of friction was equal to the arctan of the hypoteneuse. It wasn't fun, despite all these stereotypes most people appear to have of me doing maths for fun *shudder*. Get it right - I do logic puzzles and code breaking for fun. Honestly *tuts*! I also watched Airplane II again which was probably the funniest thing I've seen since I saw Daniel Radcliffe's appaling acting on Wednesday.

Speaking of which, Voldemort looks exactly like my head of history. It's scary.

I need to get Airplane I off my cousin...she's had it for just about 5 years or so.

Also reminder to self: concentrate where the dog's leading you on a walk. I suddenly realised that i was standing in a flowerbed with Porgy eating the flowers....

And one line paragraphs suck. Stop doing them.

I'll post something proper tomorrow...possibly

The personality quiz

2005-11-24T19:33:00.000Z

1) Would you describe yourself as..
A Bitchy
B Caring
2) How tall are you?
A Tall
B Short

If you answered:
AA you are a big mean person
AB you are a small mean person
BA you are a nice person of above average height
BB you are a vertically challeneged person who is friendly to others.

It seems to me that all these quizzes which take information about you and display it back to you are SUCH a waste of time.

Nevertheless...theyre bloody funny

I taste like Peanut Butter.

I am one of the most blendable flavours; I go with sweet, I go with sour, I go with bland, I go with anything. I am practical and good company, but have something of a tendency to hang around when I'm not wanted, unaware that my presence is not welcome. What Flavour Are You?

I am an Origami Hat.

I am generally dissatisfied with the products of others, so I make my own; stronger, faster, better. I'm a creative and inventive person. What Sort of Hat Are You?

I hate peanut butter and i have yet to see a paper hat stronger faster or better than...well anything really...

I have a dream....

2005-11-22T19:06:00.000Z

Well at least I had a dream last night that it was the 33rd of December. This was incredibly worrying since I spent the whole of the dream wondering where a month of my life had gone, and especially how Christmas had passed without me noticing. Also I wwas worrying that I had not only missed LSSO auditions, but had failed to turn up to the rehearsals. It was only after I woke up that I realised the other worrying thing was that it was the 33rd of December....

We spent the whole of Physics today playing games. The first one involved having 6 'electrons' and moving each one up an energy level if you rolled a 5 or 6, and down by one if you rolled anything else (unless it was 0). In a flagrant display of how little God likes me, everyone else managed in the end to get one or more electrons up to the 5th or 6th energy state, and one guy got one up to level 9. Mine of course stayed rooted at level 0. Yes - all 6 of them. Memo to self: don't quit the job to go into stocks.

Community service was also fun. I spent a lot of it teaching the 'special' children to read. In fact that they were too special to be able to string syllables together. 'If you say "morn" followed by "ing" what do you get? Morn - ing, morn - ing...?' completely eluded them. I also had to translate into french for one girl who'd just come over from france, and managed to teach one guy algebra. Yes they were year ones, I know. He picked it up impressively quickly.

Googlisms for 'Simon Nathan':

Simon Nathan is credited with coining the term "hulcherama" to describe the craze
[Of course. Some of my less well known phrases involve parvumcvitiephobia to describe the fear of biscuit crumbs, and antipseudonimisteria for people obsessed with using their real name]
Simon Nathan is a young 77 year old and is one of your long term custormers
[Eat that, Sophie]
Simon Nathan is leading the course
[Sooo open to interpretation]
Simon Nathan is a past modern photography columnist and photo author
[Past modern? As in from the future? *Austrian accent* I'll be back */Austrian accent*]
Simon Nathan is from an unknown source
[The international man of mystery]
Simon Nathan is panoramic photography
[Is that what they call it nowadays?]

Toodles, and look! No quizzes!

The supressed romantic

2005-11-21T17:40:00.000Z

Romance

Romance is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You need romance in your life. You love the extra dimension that romance brings to a relationship and you tend to fall in love very quickly.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Fairly accurate I'd say, although a rather pointless quiz. I guess I should probably find other sites to take tests off rather than nicking ones from Sophie's journal.

Funny moment of the day - Jammes after four sugars in his coffee. For anyone who knows the boy, this is probably more stimulant than he's ever been allowed during the other 16 years of his life, making for a very hyper and strange boy.

Confusing moment of the day - Takaki trying to show me why Fermat's Little theorum proved that n^5 will always end in the same digit as n. I asked why couldn't you just try it for n=0,1,2...9? He had no answer.

Annoying moment of the day - lightbulb blowing in my room after getting back from last period. After trying about five bulbs in every possible combination on the two lights, my housemaster came and switched the electricity back on.

Sad moment of the day - realising that I took about half an hour to read ten pages of my book. I am a failure to society and deserve to be hung. Hanged if you're Carl.

And to contrast with Friday...

2005-11-20T18:27:00.000Z

You fit in with:
Agnosticism

Your ideals mostly resemble those of an Agnostic. You are fairly ambivalent towards any religion or spiritual connection. You lead a very busy life and find that religion and spirituality are unnecessary to your life.

100% scientific.
40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Interesting that, I'm borderline atheist agnostic. Does that mean I'm not sure whether I'm not sure whether God exists?

The weekend was amazing - 2 DAYS OFF!!! (Yes, that kind of thing excites me. It would you too if you had saturday morning school). This meant I was able to go into epsom early and fix up a bank account before meeting Sophie at the station. Well actually, I was able to fix up a bank account and then wait around in epsom for 30 minutes while certain girlfriends decided to wake up after having pointless arguments with certain weirdos until a certain 3 in the morning the previous night.

Otherwise, lovely weekend. Read all about it in a newspaper or something, theres probably more interesting news in there than what happened in my life. Okay I appreciate that's invariably always true, but it's good to emphasise the point :D

See you

Religion blows

2005-11-18T21:09:00.000Z

Oki, having scared away half my readers with the title, I'd just like to point out this isn't an anti-religious rant. I just want to say how annoying it is that all these crap works of 'poetry' that are accepted because they're about God are allowed to dominate an otherwise secular service. I'm talking about a service our school held today called 'Commemoration of Benefactors' (that's commem for those of you who don't have ten tounges), where we thank Elizabeth I for all she did for the school. All we did though was sing crap hymns. And I mean CRAP. Here's an example of the opening to one hymn:

Teach me, my God and King,
In all things thee to see,
And what I do in anything
To do it as for thee.

Other than the blatant remodelling of words in order to make the meter fit, which I'll let pass, if you read and understand it (may take many tries), it effectively tells us that all our actions are a form of prayer. "I'm cooking a meal for God," "I'm going to sleep for God," "Sure I'll go out with you, but only to praise God" are the phrases the author of this hymn would like to hear.

Another verse in the same hymn literally made me snort with laughter:

A man that looks on glass,
On it may stay his eye;
Or if he pleaseth, through it pass,
And then the heaven espy.

Is it just me or is this verse about jumping out of tall buildings?

Anyway, good night to all and have a good weekend

Mathematicians can be funny too...?

2005-11-17T20:01:00.000Z

I decided today to post the output of my mechanics teacher during his slightly less great moments. We all love him really, but it just seems that when he makes jokes like these, life is pointless. I appreciate these arent remotely funny, I just want to show what an 'innovative' guy he is.

Why are physicists scared of driving?
The width of the road is negligible compared to the length!

Sin(x), Cos(x) and e^x go to a party. Sin(x) and Cos(x) have a great time, but poor e^x just sits in a corner. When asked what's wrong he says; "when I try to integrate, nothing seems to change!"

Where do no badgers live?
In the empty set!

A nine tailed cat exists.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails.
A cat has one more tail than no cat.
Therefore there exists a nine tailed cat.

The infinity hotel is a fantastic invention. There are an infinite number of rooms, so it can never get full. In fact, if it is ever full, a man only needs to ask everyone to move up by one room and he gets a room. If infinite people arrive, everyone in the hotel moves up to 2x their current room and everyone gets a room. The only problem is paying the bill; whenever someone leaves, they can just ask someone else to pick up the bill, and no one will ever have to pay!

And of course the limericks:

A gross, a dozen and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four;
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more!

The integral of T squared D T
Between one and the cubed root of three
Times by the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Is log N of the cubed root of e!

There are unfortunately more, but I dont want to drive anyone even closer to suicide.

Good night

A note about Wednesday

2005-11-16T18:49:00.000Z

Reasons why Wednesday is a pointless day:

1) Gramatically: Everything about Wednesday from a literal point of view is completely offputting. Does one marry on Wednesday? I think not. Does one play a super nintendo on Wednesday? Again no. The Wed and NES are so misleading. In fact, the only accurate thing about Wednesday is the 'Day' part. Also verbally, this poses a bit of a problem. Since when is the letter string 'ednes' pronounced 'ens'? The D and E are completely redundant, which is a crippling blow for otherwise valued members of our alphabet society. My theory says that on Tuesday night, one fool asked the question 'When's day?' and the scribe couldn't see what he was writing (it was so dark you see) that he wrote Wednesday. And later our forefathers dug up the document proclaiming Wednesday to be the 3rd (or 4th for you religious buffs) day of the week. Fools.

2) Economically: Wednesday is just far enough from the beginning to have your energy worn out, and just far enough from the end of the week to not have it replaced with adrenalin. Consequently, Wednesday is the day where least work gets done, and therefore the day when the economy is likely to collapse when it happens. Therefore by removing Wednesday, we can economically up the chances of survival of civilised society.

3) Theologically: On Sunday, God created the heavens, the earth, light and darkness
On Monday, he created the sea and the sky
On Tuesday, he created land and vegetation
On Wednesday, he created...the sun and moon.

Now forgive me if I'm being skeptical, but compared to fundamental principles such as the laws of physics, spacetime and life, creating a chunk of rock and an uncontrolled nuclear explosion seems rather trivial to me. It seems to me God decided he was tired on Wednesday and just wanted a day off, but couldn't wait till Saturday. Uselessness.

Reasons why Wednesday is a useful day.

1: Orange Wednesdays. Ok, seeing as I don't have an Orange phone, nor an ability to go to the cinema on Wednesdays, I still think this is a base property of society, that people should be able to take their sweethearts out and pay less.

2: Desperate housewives/Lost: The former was amazing till I stopped watching it, and the latter was also good during the one episode I saw. Never to be watched again by me though :(

3: Take the squares of the distance to each weekend of each day and average them. Wednesday wins with 9, while Tuesday and Thursday have 10 each. Monday and Friday lose with 13 points, pooey days.

Oh, and happy birthday Mark (for all of those of you who'd forgotten, he's still open to texts till 12 tonight).

Till later

Robin - you're a genius

2005-11-13T21:02:00.000Z

This had me head down on my desk literally crying with laughter:

Robin says:
hmm, this physics question looks like the kind of thing my old maths teacher would have set

Robin says:
"A dog runs 100m in a straight line"

Robin says:
this implies that its feet are both infinitely thin and placed directly in front of each other, leaving no room for a torso.

Robin says:
pwned

Robin says:
"If the second leg of its run is at 90 degrees to the first leg," ... then it has accelerated infinitely and pwned itself.

Robin says:
hmmmm...

Robin says:
unless the dog was 100% efficient, turning around 90 degrees in 0 time would result in the complete destruction of the entire universe.

Robin says:
also, if there is, as many scientists believe, any form whatsoever of interaction between particles from our universe and parallel universes, the dog could be single-handedly responsible for the eradication of all possible lifeforms.

Robin says:
which would be quite amusing, if I wasn't included among those lifeforms.

Robin says:
since the entire universe hasn't been destroyed, we can conclude that the dog is 100% efficient.

Robin says:
I need that dog!

Robin says:
think how it would do in Crufts!

Damn you Steph, if only you weren't going out with him....
Yes, I'm sick. Also declaring my infidelity for the world to hear. W00t.

Remember remember the...11th november???

2005-11-11T19:22:00.000Z

I've always been confused as to why one traditionally remembers the 5th, where the 11th is actually confusingly named 'remembrance day.' On one day, we embark on rituals of arson and through our own stupidity maim and set fire to ourselves in tragic (but nevertheless incredibly comical) firework accidents. On the other, we hold prayers and cast our minds back to imagine what it would have been like to be in the trenches. Which one deserves to be remembered? Maybe the rhyme's so that the terrorists among us unfamiliar of English culture get it wrong and hold the minute's silence during the fireworks, and try to gun us down while everyone else is silent, thus exposing themselves to us in a stupidly obvious way. That's the kind of contingency plans our money goes to...

Another reason to remember today is that I met Michelle a year ago today. Not that anybody who reads this actually cares, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

I started conducting lessons today for some odd reason - I thought I'd be good at it so asked my piano teacher whos also a conductor to devote some of the lesson to it - probably while drunk or on a flashback. Consequently I expect my piano playing to deteriorate rapidly, and in a few mponths time I'll realise I suck at the whole waving the arms about and regret ever doing this. Oh well - nothing ventured and all that crap...

And now a physics joke that I forced Carl to listen to shall be rammed down everyone else's throat. Warning: do not read unless seriously geeky:

Heisenburg is driving down the road, when he is pulled over by a policeman.
"Excuse me sir," he says, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
"No," replies Heisenburg, "but I know exactly where I am!"

If music be the food of love...

2005-11-09T16:53:00.000Z

...then right now I'm sick of love. (note: doesn't equal lovesick). I have missed the entirety of school from 8.30 in the morning till 4, and am setting off again at 5.30 and probably not getting back till 12ish. Why? Cause this damned orchestra I'm part of is playing in a concert, and we apparently need LOAADS of rehearsals, cause we suck. The concert's tonight and we still suck, so I'm assuming it didn't even work. Now I have to come back tomorrow and catch up on 5.5 hours of work.

And what does this concert entail? 90 minutes of us playing to adoring parents and fans? No - more like 9 minutes. We're only a tiny part of a massive concert, and NO ONE CARES about us. The pieces themselves are absolute shite as well. So basically, I lose schooltime, I lose free time, and gain bugger all.

That's my musical rant...

Enjoy your evening, mortals

Turgid Tuesday

2005-11-08T19:30:00.000Z

I feel like today has been a really bad day. Not because of the fact that anything bad's happened, but because of the fact that nothing memorable has happened. Within a week, I shall have forgotton today, and 24 hours (well okay, 19 hours 36 minutes - I intend to make it 24 hours) of otherwise useful time shall have been wasted. Consequently, in my one output of artistic freedom (this webpage), I feel I ought to write some sort of poem, or possibly a list of useful things I have done with my life.

Or on the other hand, fuck it all and give a list of reasons why I hate Orlando Bloom instead.

1) The acting capabilities of this man are surpassed by things I find up my nose. I have been more convinced by the Daily Mail than I have by his acting. He has fewer expressions than the Teletubbies. He has probably not got any balls. Why does he even try?

2) The popularity on the other hand is terrifying. Where Pirates of the Carribean should have contrasted the truly messianic acting of Jonny Depp to the brainless slug that dares associate himself with a poor city in Florida, all it did was hype up every female on the planet into thinking that God himself must have made the film. Arg. I understood it at least with Troy, where the main rival for lead role was an equally useless and stupid 'man'...

3) I hate the way how people think he's the 'most handsome man on earth.' Put him in a dress and I'd not believe anyone who told me he's a man. In George RR Martin's fantastic series 'A Song of Ice and Fire,' guess who the fans voted should play Loras Tyrell (the dashing blond heroic knight for those who haven't read the series) in the imaginary movie? Unanimously Orlando Bloom, the damned son of a bitch. Viggo Mortenson wasn't given a chance despite MUCH better abilities.

4) The only time he was ever given a lead role, the film was abysmal.

5) Read Legolas in the books. Watch Orlando play it in the films. See the horrible difference.

One day i shall hunt down that man and remove him from acting forever, before he features in Harry Potter.

Actually I think I'll wait till after that - he couldn't make it much worse than it is...

Weekend at Westminster

2005-11-06T16:53:00.000Z

Okay, so this technically isn't true since I spent most of the time outside of Westminster, and actaully a great deal of Saturday nearer home than school, but nevertheless it's where I slept and therefore I spent my time there....

Saturday basically followed Sophie's day, except in the middle I FINALLY got to meet Michelle, a certain person I've been trying to see for just about 11 months, and also the shorter, more sadistic, weeble* carrying version of Michelle, called Louise who I also haven't seen for a similar period of time (though there was a reason - I was led to believe that my death was the sole aim to her existance for a while). Anyway we swapped life stories, Michelle wrote me some poems and we drank bounty flavour milkshakes in Kingston.

*as far as I could make out, this was a short fat lump of iron or some other metal which looked lethal if i got on the wrong side of the bearer. Consequently I told Louise constantly what a ~~short~~ lovely person she was.

Sunday was (read: is) incredibly dull, so no details.

I'm going to sign off and attempt to finish physics coursework.

What's the time?

2005-11-03T22:37:00.000Z

Star Wars Freak Time!

There comes a point in everybody's life when they realise what a travesty Star Wars is. The plot is more hole ridden than a Vietnam veteran, the screenplay is truly abysmal, the acting is worrying, Natalie Portman (the one potential attraction) is made up to look like a Taliban woman, and Watto's wings would scarcely lift a cat, let alone a beefed up fat Italian/elephant shopkeeper. In fact the only attraction is the music, and you can get that on CD.

Also, what is it with the sound effects in deep space? Although I have a limited experience of witnessing spacecraft from a viewing point in a vaccuum due to exploding every time I try, I'm fairly certain rudimentary physics shows us that there is no possible sound. Okay, some (read: Carl) may argue, it's all for effect, it would get boring if it was quiet. However I was watching parts of episode II last night, and Jango Fett uses seismic charges in deep space. Yes, SEISMIC. Ie requires a medium to go through.

Therefore, the logical deduction is that the whole of space in the star wars universe is liquid.

This raises some minor issues.

I will make the following assuptions: an average spaceship cannot fly into a star and survive, the density of the liquid is similar to or more than water (otherwise the seismic charges certainly wouldnt work), and Hayden Christensen is homosexual.

mass of 1 metre cubed of sun - 1400kg. E=mtc, so E = 1400*15,000,000*4.2 = 88,200,000,000 J. This is the amount of energy to kill a spaceship per metre cubed.

if each particle is 100 pm^3, there are 10^36 molecules of liquid in a metre cubed - therefore each one has to provide a resisting energy of 0.0009 yoctojoules...much much less than an average particle is actually likely to provide at the high speeds the ships are going past.

Hence: The only deduction is that the whole of the star wars universe is incredibly small, and therefore the ships are travelling slower and have less surface area. Therefore Star Wars doesn't matter.

Arr, to sail the seven seas...and rob them?

2005-11-02T09:18:00.000Z

Click on both pictures below to vote what i am!

What kind of pirate am I?
view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your ownpage!

What kind of looter am I?
view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!

Go on, vote - you know you want to! :):)

A whole new post...

2005-11-01T17:21:00.000Z

Okay, today was brilliant - 8.30 start cause I STILL haven't got round to setting my clock back...ah well maybe I'll leave it for one more day, how bad can another lie in be? Maybe until they start noticing I don't turn up for period one...
Anyway, in the afternoon, I went to do my community service program helping ickle kids learn music, and found that over the half term the ickle bratty annoying year ones had grown 3 years and had turned into ickle bratty annoying year 4s, which was a welcome change actually to say the least... We got groups to write compositions for a film and performed it to the rest of the class on tambourines and maraccas and lots of squealy year 4 voices going 'ooooo'... True 20th century style - philip glass couldn't do better.

Anyway before I bore both my readers too much, 10 things you need to do to conquer the world:

1) Breed. No army is more loyal to you than your own children, and none is more readily available. If you're female, tough - maximum army size of about 40 in as many years. For men - hypothetical army size is 3 billion every 9 months. Sorted.

2) Fundraise. All businesses need money, and yours is no exception. Try collecting in busy shopping centres pretending to be Battersea Dogs home - you'll make a killing.

3) Purchase. Buy a country. Or at least buy such a significant percentage of the population that the country has no choice but to bow down to your will. Examples include Tokelau, where the average person is worth 400 pounds a year, or small islands that no one will miss, like the Shetland Islands, Virgin Islands, or Sri Lanka.

4) Construct. Using your money and minions, begin establishing a power base in your new country. If country is equatorial, strip of all shelter, and tell them they can shelter from the sun if they build your base.

5) Arm. Use your disabled and annoying children/minions to mine uranium for you. Do a quick google search to find out how to construct nuclear weapons, and do so. If America gets suspicious, blame Iran.

6) Blackmail. 'I will destroy the world/the USA/the White House' will probably do the trick. Make sure they pay you enough money so that you now control a significant amount of the world's economy.

7) Buy Amazon. Amazon is the key to domination. Make sure you fill every dvd case, childs toy, book etc with a radio mind control device. Also, remove availability of kaiser Chefs CDs. They deserve it.

8) Control. Activate the mind control devices. All humans in the world are now under your control.

9) Destroy. Tell all the humans to kill themselves. This will prevent any possible revolutions.

10) Win. You have now conquered the world, and are also the last human alive. Try to mate with gorillas before you die - you wouldn't want to die without a legacy would you?

Just because everyone else is doing it...

2005-10-31T19:57:00.000Z

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8.1
Mind:	6.6
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	6.5
Friends/Family:	6.7
Love:	6.9
Finance:	7.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Since it's in fashion, I'm gonna show off what an incredible life i lead. And yes - my love is on a par with Sophie. Go me *waves flag*

PS happy halloween to everyone who's not going to correct my spelling of halloween.

2005-10-30T19:46:00.000Z

Episode IV: A new format

As soon as I began the blog and was asked to pick a template, the first thing that occured to me was 'yuck.' Then I looked away from my brother, back to the choice in front of me. Despite me thinking that orange is the closest thing to Hitler in terms of pure evil, I felt that it was the only acceptable choice. No longer.

Now, a new and all-powerful colour scheme has come to the fore. The army of the Green Republic, allied with the all powerful forces of Turquoisia are now slaves to my will, and starting with this blog, we shall slowly start to crush all who oppose us in our quest for total control of the world.

For now however, an observation on Smurfs.

How exactly did they get that way for a start? Of course I'm talking about the fact they're 4 inches tall and blue. Yes, the size is admittedly comparable to...certain girls I know, but I've yet to find anyone who is exactly that shade of royal blue. Logically, it's probable that they're all exceedingly cold, but this would contrdict the fact they all wear nearly nothing, and also in white which is the colour you wear when you're hot usually.

(Speaking of which, who washes those clothes? They stay so sparkly white, despite the Smurfs constantly rolling around in the countryside. And it is my humble opinion that they all do their business without taking them off - this is because Grandpa Smurf quite obviously is incontinent, and since he is on screen for vast periods at a time, and nobody seems to shun him at any point, we must conclude it is usual for a Smurf to go in their diapers. Ick. Whoever washes them is a saint.)

Anyway, I think they're blue because of war paint. Behind the scenes, these seemingly innocent little men and woman are actually a vicious tribe of pygmies bent on destruction and domination. This explains why there are no other life forms near them other than that one guy who only survives because he has a castle. Note how he hates them. Loss of family members, methinks. In other words, Smurfs are cherishable allies and formidible foes. I must get in touch with them...

Goodbye for now

2005-10-29T07:07:00.000Z

More shocking than George Bush's re-election.
More in bad taste than avocado ice-cream.
Raunchier than a camel on viagra.

You have just experienced the first tricolon of this blog. Chances are, if you're reading this, you're probably the first person ever to do so and coincedentally the last. Feel special - very very special. So what does this mean for the faithful reader? Firstly you should let me know that somebody actually vaguely cares about me (don't do it too suddenly though - I may well die within seconds). Secondly - tell ALL YOUR FRIENDS - yes both of them - about this fantastic blog and make sure they view it lots. My plans for this page involve subliminal messages eventually, so the more people that read it, the less bloody my inevitable rise to power shall be when it happens.

*memo: do not discuss plans for world domination in front of public*

There is no particular reason to start my posting on this particular day, at this particular time other than this is when carl actually decided to give me the address of this site, so before everyone decides to run off and play blast billiards I'll sign off until tonight. Yes - I shall post twice today. Isn't today so special?

Have a nice life